


Death to the pretty ones

by Tunder28



Category: Hellboy - All Media Types
Genre: Fangirls, Gen, Humour, Multi, Parody, oc deaths and abuse, oc/fangirl bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-12
Updated: 2012-05-27
Packaged: 2017-10-27 05:43:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/292248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tunder28/pseuds/Tunder28
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warning: Oc’s WILL die and be damaged</p><p>Summary: For every random oc, there is a reason behind it all. So lets save each other from the clutches of the oc marysues. OC bashings will ensue. JOY!</p><p>OK i had to write this. Too many OC have Nuada falling in love with them so this fic is dedicated to DEATH OF THE OC’s. I suppose i’ll apologies for the abuse the oc’s will get.<br/>But really...come on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING EACH CHAPTER WILL BE SHORT- but sweet

Chapter 1 – The beginning of mayhem

Since there had been numerous reports on members of the BPRD getting attacked by ravishingly beautiful women, agents were having to dull down their appearance and travel in at least groups of three. A new problem had risen its head weeks before when Prince Nuada had escaped custody and ran into an elderly woman who was surrounded by cats. Thinking her a troll he proclaimed her as much and told her to mind where she was going. This had not ended well, for anyone.  
The old lady had lifted her chin higher and stated that “If your highness could not see past his own nose and be mindful of others then none would be of him”. This had sounded like nothing at all until the next day Nuada had come running back to the facility, hair in ruin and clothes a mess, panting and sweating while trying to portray a sense of urgency. The danger made itself known.

A high shriek had Nuada flying past the guards and dogs and leap over the towering gates to safety as a mass of girls aged 11 and above were running, arms outstretched will love and devotion all over their faces after him. It appeared the guard didn’t know what to do and were set upon as the young women cooed over the dogs and the guards cool outfits.

The gate was lost and Nuada had run further into the shelter of the facility, racing down into the corridors where he’d been set upon by numerous agents with guns. He had laughed and thanked the men even as they set him into a cell with electric bars. He’d gladly sat back and waited for someone to come to him.  
The guards found this a bizarre act and had set up a watch on him 24 hours a day. From then on the details had been passed along to other bases to watch out for these fan girls and measure had been taken. This was the beginning of mayhem.


	2. Vacation time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. Rather enjoyed writing this and YES each chapter WILL be short due to me not being able to pack enough punch lines and humour in from my slow creative brain.   
> Will be more soon, i'm still writing another hellboy fic.

Hellboy, Abe and Liz were travelling in the truck to a new location, one deep in the city that had been reported to having a mass of raving crowds, apparently under some supernatural influence. They had not suspected that the two cases were related and had so gone unprepared for the madness that took place. When the truck had pulled up a block away from the scene, girls were flocked to a poster. This ‘very detailed’ poster was of Nuada, being brandished like the last amendments by a beautiful and large breasted red head. She proclaimed her undying love for Nuada and the crowd vigorously agreed. Some in the crowd fell into each other as they fainted but were quickly replaced by other fan girls. 

Hellboy moved the shutters to glace out the glass panels for himself and came face to face with a young girl staring fixated at the truck. He chuckled at the stupid thought she could see in, no doubt she was reading an add on the side of the truck. He’d turned to laugh about it with Liz since she enjoyed a good laugh when he got spooked, and a slightly dulled scream was heard. Thinking there was trouble his adrenaline had kicked in and he’d swung round ready to fight. The girl was pointing right at his and cooing, shouting obscene things like “ITS SO FLUFFY I’M GONNA DIE” – “I LOVE ITS TAIL”- “I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW UGLE YOU LOOK”.

To say he was confused and slightly pissed off was a clear understatement, as Liz and Abe openly laughed at him and the girls response. But her outburst had not gone unnoticed by the other fan girls who’s cornered the truck and we’re all eerily looking in even though it was impossible. As one they started patting on the truck to get to the opening and that’s when the trouble started.   
“DRIVER DO NOT OPEN THE DOORS. USE YOUR SIDE ARM IF THEY TRY TO GET IN!” Liz shout was deafening in the small space and soon the truck was being rocked by the fan girls, all chanting as one saying ‘Hellboy!’. Some random Abe’s were there and even a ‘ i love Liz’. 

The panic set in and Abe jumped up and out of character, dragged the driver out of his chair and placed himself in the driving seat, pushing the truck to its limits and just missing flattening the fan girls and saving the team. They had to make a few stops and scrape some fan girls off the roof who were clinging on, shaking from the cold but still muttering I love you’s.

When they returned and made sure that they hadn’t been followed Manning had bitched that they had no succeeded in completing the mission. When giving a description he’d nodded understandingly for once, stating “Thank god you weren’t all killed....or worse” and walked off. 

Hellboy had been so freaked out he’d grabbed Liz AND Abe and carried them to his room where he’d sealed his door and told anyone who came near they were on vacation and to ‘watch themselves out there. It’s not safe’

(Its John Myers turn next) -queue evil laugh


	3. Johns love affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> title is not what it sounds like! ^^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK i know i said the chapters would be short but this one is long cos i love John's character and i dragged this out.

John openly glared at manning when he stated that John would be leading a team into a situation that had developed and quickly growing out of control. Now normally John would have felt overcome with joy and satisfaction at finally being given something important and field work related. But sadly he’d still had to do his everyday job of feeding hellboy and upon entering his room, Hellboy, Liz and even Abe had all been sitting at the edge of the bed. 

Upon seeing him they’d all rushed over, hugging him in a three-way crush, all thankful for his safe return. He’d been so confused he’d had to get the story out of each of them, then again as a whole when he couldn’t wrap his brain around what had happened. Fan girls, honestly. What a silly idea. 

Hellboy hadn’t thought so and had refused to let him leave the room, wrapping his demonic tail around Johns waist and not letting go when John had asked. John had put up with it for an hour when Hellboy had turned the big sad brown eyes on him, but there was only so much time he could waste and the eyes only worked so long before you saw a big red demon giving you the puppy eyes. 

When pushing and threatening hadn’t worked John had said ‘fine’ and dropped onto the edge of the bed with the others, then calmly stating, “I wonder who’s going to bring all of you food then...not me. I’m trapped here” and pointedly glared at hellboy. Mention of food had made the tail twitch and then unwrap, allowing John to rush to the cart and pelt it out the room before anyone could stop him. 

Manning was still talking, “Now I know you don’t have field experience quite like this but your now getting the opportunity to get some. This is very important Mr Myers as you can see. We haven’t been able to send the other out due to it not being too closely related to any supernatural activity-“ and blah blah. John hated liars, since he’d gotten the full and truthful tale out of the traumatised supernatural’s who were ‘sent’ to deal with it earlier. John was the last resort it would seem. 

“-Sir, when do I leave” 

Manning’s face was mostly neutral or set into a grim stare, but his eyes flashed and he nodded eagerly to John, “As soon as Mr Myers, we would like this dealt with as soon as possible and let it all die down. Understand. Try not to draw too much attention”  
John would later be cursing Manning for jinxing him.   
*********************************************************************************

It started out well enough, nothing too out of place to the event they’d been sent to. John had a mission statement thrown at him when he got in the car and had grabbed at the seat when the van had erupted out of the underground garage. 

He’d only had time to skim the notes. Something to do with crazed teens being besotted with supernatural creatures. Why it had not been picked up on earlier John wouldn’t know. 

The ‘event’ was a showing of a movie ‘Hell’s boy’ or something like that, and it seemed that teenage girls made up most of the gathering of around 50 people. They all had smears of red paint on them, all dressed in skimpy shirts, and long coats. The resemblance to hellboy’s coat sometimes was shocking. Maybe John would be able to joke about it to him when he got back, about it being a girls coat. 

Discreetly he bought a coffee from the edge shop and followed the crowd into the open house showing. It was more a school gym than anything else, thankfully located near to the city centre. A massive screen took up the farthest wall as you walked in through the double doors, and it seemed only certain people were getting in. John had been confused when the two girls on the door had looked him up and down and had nodded him in without a word, but had knocked back one of the other agents intent on following him in. The unknown agent had made a joke out of it and had tried sweet talking them, only to get his arm locked up behind his back as the teenager had walked him off saying ‘You’re not a true fan!’.

Johns eyebrows stayed fixed to the top of his head at what he saw inside. Chairs were rowed up to seat the mass of people inside, placed in front of the massive screen, which looked like it had been stolen from a basketball game. It was huge, and apparently people were fighting for seats at the very front, but that wasn’t something new. John took a seat at the back and settled to observe. 

Everyone took their seats and John had been squeezed in between two girls who were talking madly fast about someone. John had caught a name ‘Phoenix’ being muttered more often than not. Maybe that person was who this all was about. The doors were slammed shut and speakers on the walls boomed a bass drum for 10 seconds and deadly silence fell. 

A red haired beauty walked out from behind the screen, wearing the trademark trench coat and beaming at the gathering. Little mutters of adoration took up for a seconds, wobbling ‘phoenix’ around the room. Everyone seemed in awe of her. 

Hair on his neck stood on end, the usual tell tale of when something supernatural was going on. Phoenix raised her hand gently and the room was silent again and that’s when the trouble started.

“Followers! How lovely to see all of you. Now tonight we will talk over our subjects and get to know them, learn of them, ‘find’ them” The room agree and was vibrating with their eagerness. John clutched at his coffee, watching the crowd dissolve in glee with phoenix’s words. The screen flicked on and Johns stomach had a cold stone hid the bottom of it. It was hellboy.

Phoenix used a remote to click through images, from Hellboy to Liz to Abe, and Nuada came up more often than not. Most of his shots he looked startled... and shirtless. 

Ok now he was sweating, the room was near out of control as girls fell forwards in their seats, sliding into each other and squeals took up the room. 

“Now these are their friends, I want all of you to look closely and if you ever see these people, latch onto them!. I want you to make sure you follow them to their base and infiltrate it. Influence them!, seduce them!, get to the ones we want!” and the screen again flicked through images, one briefly of john himself. 

A drop of sweat slid down his hair line into the collar as he heard a jolted movement to his right, but he made himself stare fixated at the screen. Not looking at the abrupt movement of the girl and he might get out of this. The quote ‘Into the lion’s den’ sprung to the front of his mind and he discreetly slid down his chair so he wasn’t sitting high up. Maybe he could crawl out. 

The girl to his right was staring, glaring at him. The wave of intent off her was making John unsettled and a plan slammed into his crazed brain that John grabbed and went with it. Jumping up from his seat, he made himself visible. Everyone turned and saw him and the air froze in expectation. Oh they did indeed recognise him. 

He was now sweating quite bad. Clutching his coffee in front of him as he prepared his voice and he spoke. 

“Oh my god....” 

Confused the girl to his right sat up with a “What?!” and he pointed to the back stage behind the TV. Every head turned and he only needed to add wind to this potential fire. “Is that Nuada?!” and the room erupted as everyone streamed to the front of the room and John dashed for the doors out. He kicked at the bar and the door crashed open and he was out of their in record time running. 

****************************************************************************  
Agents sprung up and were signalling to him, asking what happened but John raced to the van and shouted to "-get in the vans and get out of here". He was new and none of them knew him so they didn’t take the threat seriously. 

When he tugged on the locked door handle, he said ‘Fuck it’ and started his mad dash to the city centre.   
Some sensible agents took up running with him when they saw the fan girls behind them, shrieking and following in pursuit. John was at the front of the pack of agents, leading them through the centre, past confused late night shoppers and through the long walkways. 

The sight would have been comical if he wasn’t technically running for his freedom. Gods knows what would happen if they were caught.   
They’d ran through shops, finally coming to the taxi stands and John grabbed open the door and was shoved in as agents pushed/pile in after him. He ended up lying across the back three seats, with two agents piled in similar on his back and one frantic breathing agent in the front seat who was drifting into a panic attack.

The driver arched an eyebrow back at him casually as if this was normal, “where to?”. “Just drive” he managed to wheeze and the driver caught sight of the mass of girls descending towards them and threw the car into a mad dash through the traffic. 

Finally after some elbows to ribs the back seat became ordered, all the agents still breathing panicky in the back seat. The driver was shaking his head, still gunning the gas. “Man you guys are so lucky. Can’t be too careful nowadays”. 

When they got back to base, John threatened to hand in his resignation, but Manning denied it, as the other agents who’s been out had all handed in theirs. As a last resort, John had fled to the kitchen, made the cook bake up a mountain of food and had crashed it into Hellboy’s room to take refuge. 

He hadn’t crashed per say as the door had swung open for him perfectly timed and he had safely come to rest in his refuge. Looking around he spotted a new occupant. “what are you doing here?” 

Nuada glared up at him from pacing the few feet he could get in the room with it being so occupied already. “The same as all of you no doubt”.


	4. Plans for fan girls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for being so late. i'll add the last 2 chaps now

“Ok we need a plan-a good one red” Liz shot hellboy’s raised hand down. Killing the groups of fan girls would not help anyone. Not to mention the public outrage it would get.

Nuada scoffed at them all, “It’s very clear what must be done. The head witches head must be cut off”. Silence followed that statement as the rest of the room looked on at the prince. It was to be expected of him, as he often spoke of cutting people’s heads off. Thankfully he seemed to be saving his kill all humans speech for after the end of this trouble. 

“ I really hate to agree but yes, we do need to deal with phoenix before she can gather more numbers” John ignored the superior look Nuada cast around the room. This was why no one agree with him. Superior stupid prince.   
Abe tapped the book he had clutched in front of him as a physical shield to the conversation. The response he was about to give might require it. 

“ I have an idea, and Prince Nuada do forgive me but you specifically won’t like it”. Now this got the rest of the rooms attention. Nuada turned menacingly towards Abe, a slow spin on his feet as he faced the sapien. “Do tell...”

“Well....it’s quite obvious what needs to be done. You are the main focus of their attention after all. Anyone surrounding you or with potential to get near you is also targeted. We simply have to force phoenix out into the open by using Nuada as bait. We may tranquilise her-“  
“Kill her you mean. That witch is the one who started all of this and I will not allow for it to happen again” Nuada angrily paced the few feet back and forth he could, emitting an angry aura around him. 

Abe nodded “Manning will not allow for her to continue. Once....we have her in our possession, she will not get the chance to do this again. She will be dealt with by our terms” 

Liz gave a sly quirk of her mouth as a small idea popped into her head. She could blame it on hormones and stress later. “Guys, I have an idea. One I think will actually solve all this mess very quickly and take care of phoenix”. 

****************************************************************************

The plans seemed to be, plan A, Abes idea, plan B, if worst came to worst, Liz’s idea.   
Nuada was standing outside.....in front of a gathering of the fan girls. They were drooling, being lead in a slow march towards him by phoenix. He was doomed....he was shirtless. He hoped the gods of nature were not looking on him in this moment. The shame. 

This was the worst plan he had ever heard.

Myers shuffled his feet anxiously next to him, blowing out a mist from the cold air. He didn’t want to think about how cold Nuada must be. “You ok?” 

Nuada’s jaw tightened, “Of course I am. The cold does not affect me. Nor does this march of these ‘fan girls’ provide me my entertainment”. John ignored the shiver that wracked the prince who valiantly kept his proud stance throughout. John continued to sip his hot chocolate and try not to give the snipers positions away on the roofs.

How close did they want them to get to Nuada before they tranquilised the lot. Plan A was quickly losing ground as the group got closer and John was near burning his hand from clutching his drink.   
Personally he wanted plan A to work, as it consisted of all things turning out fine and John not getting stabbed. In the face. 

Phoenix smiled triumphantly at Nuada, flicking her eyes to john “So, you brought him to us”. John blinked confused at her, “what-“ Nuada stepped forwards to her, glaring daggers and oblivious to the groans and sighs his act caused the girls. Even phoenix looked like she had hearts in her eyes. 

“Listen to me witch, you stop this madness now or I will have no choice but to kill you where you stand. You should realise you are far below my status and could have no future with me. Your first offer was ill attempted and this now is lowering yourself from your previous position”. Nuada muttered his death curse at phoenix with a venomous voice, not seeing it all float over her head now she had Nuada’s attention.   
John sighed, not wanting to point this out OR ask Nuada what the hell- because, he’d already gotten an offer off Phoenix and turned her down?! No wonder she came back with force. John would never understand fan girls. 

Phoenix made a love sick sigh, making John and Nuada cringe back. The group rippled the same response, being cut short by almost silent puff’s through the air as darts struck home. Finally.   
Only not so finally, as the fan girls swayed but stayed up. Hitting them with too many darts could flood their system and kill them. John took a hesitant step back, only realising he was coming level with Nuada who had retreated to his side. The plan was quickly failing.   
Nuada hardened his stance, turning to John with an annoyed expression, “This plan is not working”. John huffed, trying not to point out that this was an obvious answer. That might just anger the elf to do him harm. He barely reframed from saying ‘you think’ and settled on tracking the advance phoenix and the fans were making. 

“Nuada, you are the love of my life. The moment I saw you in the troll market, our eyes met and I knew you loved me too. I could feel it. I must be a resurrected love of yours from the past, as I saw the connection between us. We are meant to be and I love you and would die without you. I know it’s hard to love someone as perfect as me but that is why we match so perfectly. Your perfection reflects mine, we are equal and I know no one else will fit you as I do”. 

Now John rolled his eyes hard, feeling anxious as Nuada’s fist shook with how hard he was clenching them. He wouldn’t be able to get near phoenix, the fans were too close. He’d be ripped apart in their madness before he could touch her. Maybe he could get close enough if he faked his feelings bac-

John was ripped out of his thoughts as Nuada grabbed the lapels of his jacket in desperation “We need to use the other plan. The one where-“ John tugged hard to try and free himself.   
“Why do we need to do that plan! Maybe the drugs will kick in within a minute and we’ll be fine and you can go back to hating humans and we can chase you around for minor offenses and-“  
There was an outcry as Nuada hesitated a moment, leaned forwards and pulled back before hardening his resolve. Nuada was the one who was suffering not him. 

John was left staring into Nuada’s black rimmed cat eyes as he pressed their lips together. It wasn’t even a kiss per say. Just a press of lips and then it was awkward to stay there for a few seconds under pretences. He didn’t move, didn’t breath for fear the annoyance in Nuada’s eyes might turn on him with deadly force.   
John’s face flamed as a small pop sounded as Nuada released him, letting John stumbled a few back out of his reach and die of all the blood rushing to his face. Nuada stepped forwards again, encouraged by the silence of the fan girls. Although it was a promising sight.   
All except phoenix now lay on the floor, a small trail of blood running down their noses. All snoring away. John hoped to god that the tranq’s had kicked in ‘after’ the fake kiss because if he did that for no reason....

Phoenix was shaking 

John didn’t think that was a good sign. Nuada was smiling with all his teeth at her. John didn’t think that was a good sign either.   
His ear piece screeched to life as Liz laughed her ass off at him. She sounded far too happy, so john narrowed his eyes and reserved the right to get her back for this. Soon. Maybe get her to kiss a golem for Intel gathering. 

Phoenix was still shaking, looking at Nuada so lost. “Why....”. Nuada was smiling, waiting for the outburst of tears. “why...-DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE GAY. Oh my god this is so cute and adorable. You’re so lucky John” Phoenix pounced forwards, scooping John into a tight hug, his head level with her bosom. He had read up somewhere that a person could die if all their blood rushed to their head, did this count. He probably looked like a light bulb now....a red one. 

Phoenix released him and made her way over to Nuada, arms lifter to do the same. A scrape of metal and John froze. He wasn’t supposed to kill her, that wasn’t in the plans.   
By the time John looked over, Phoenix was on the floor, Nuada’s spear in her stomach and the prince stood over her. He was grinning like a fool. John huffed angrily at him but it did nothing to wipe the proud and bloodthirsty smile off the princes face. 

“Nuada- We needed her alive remember. To see if the spell could be reversed-“ 

Nuada....Laughed. Loudly. 

John had never heard such a thing before. It held a unique quality to it. Like a happy sigh, and whispers behind it. He’d go so far as to say music or singing but he really didn’t want to be thrown into lockdown in case they thought he’d caught the fan girl symptoms. 

Nuada looked so pleased, “Nay silly human. Your fire lady spoke of how to break the spell. She told me of how fan girls act, and what their weaknesses are. Apparently they can love their idol, but will settle for his happiness if he is seen kissing another man. Such is this called, fan service”.

John....was going to kill Liz. He really wanted to kill Liz. He was forming a plan as the vans pulled up behind him, making his sluggish brain try and come up with a way to kill his best friend without becoming crispy. 

Nuada gave him a happy and hard slap on the shoulder as he passed, slipping into a van. John was still dazed. That hadn’t been plan B. Nor any that was told to him. He was so going to get Liz for this.


	5. Good work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LAST CHAPTER
> 
> Thank u people for being so nice and adding your love to hating oc's.

John tried not to glare at Manning who was beaming proudly at John across his desk. He was strutting his stuff around the office, praising John on his part of the plan. 

“Well done John. Well done. Fine idea you all had. Excellent work. And! as a promotion-“

Johns gut clenched so hard he gripped at it to try and settle. This did not sound good. He was already looking after hellboy, what more could  
there be waiting. 

“-I’m setting you up as liaison to ‘Prince Nuada’ who will be working with us for the foreseeable future. We’ve managed to make a very good impression on him by solving this mess of his and he’s giving us some of his expertise. He’ll be getting sent out just like hellboy was. All the same rules still apply. You will be spreading your time between Hellboy and Nuada, so your other duties of records keeping is going to clay and the other older agents”.

John was glued to his seat, staring up at Manning. This, could not be happening. Not to him. Not now. Why was this happening. Not only did he deal with a big overbearing egotistic demon, he not had the same plus a pompous and prissy prince. No way was this his life.

He was shuffled out soon after that, pushed out by Manning in a daze. He didn’t even get a word in the whole talk. 

Liz was waiting for him, her arms crossed under her chest and a smug smirk on her face. 

“Congratulations are in order”.

**********************************************************************  
Johns bullets bounced off the armour plating on the blaurus, who was charging at John down the side alley. It looked like the size of a bull, the shape as well. But it was clearly reptile and John was naming it in his head as he jumped out the way, landing near a pair of feet. They looked familiar. 

Nuada scoffed as the blaurus crashed into a wall, too stupid to stop. He grabbed a handful of John’s jacket and lifted him clear into the air before dropping him on his feet. He knew how to deal with this. 

John madly brushed down his jacket, explaining the creature away to Nuada and trying to note down its weaknesses. He was cut off as Nuada dragged him in to kissed him, not at all bothered by the act. John spluttered, pushing the elf off and again feeling his face heat up. 

“What the hell are you doing?!”

Nuada shrugged, hefting his spear to his shoulder lazily, “The plan remember. It worked last time”. John glared at him. That stupid plan had been over 2 months ago and he was still fighting to hold eye contact with the elf after that. “That was months ago and it ‘wont’ be any good here. It’s not human, it’s not-“

A glance around saw the blaurus sitting back on its hind legs like a dog, looking up at them lovingly. John groaned in annoyance and despair while It gave a weak whine that had Nuada give it a gentle pat on the head. John was never going to live this down and Nuada would no doubt use this fool proof plan again. 

John reached up and detached his ear piece as it was overpowered by Liz’s laughter as she stuttered more congratulations down the line. Thankfully hellboy and Abe had been shocked into silence. John didn’t think he could live with himself if he ever saw Abe blush at him. 

Nuada came back to him, again giving him a hard tab on the shoulder for encouragement, “Good work human-John. You involvement is appreciated”. He then walked off oblivious, the blaurus trailing happily at his side and John considered unclipping his gun and using it on himself. Liz was going to be unbearable now.

end


End file.
